Too Emotional

It gets confusing sometimes when certain people get too concerned about you and your life then suddenly bend their statements and appear like they’re all just dealing about business, moreover emphasizes that you need to shape up and be professional. It wrecks the stability of someone who doesn’t want to enjoin in a certain “emotional support group” and being forced to it just so it could pave way for better interaction and understanding, but when things start to shake the ones who forced you to express your emotions will mock you for your reactions. I can’t even get into the bottom of my issues and here they are trying to make me feel supported and understood but recalls the faults I’ve made and all the help they gave. After they were able to get through my weakness and made me believe I could trust them, they humiliate me in front of others. Is this how you care and show your concern? Humiliate? I am no great person, I may not contribute significantly, but I deserve to keep my dignity.

Thanks for the experience and learning, but as much as I am paid well, I am not owned and I have not sold my self and my soul. I ain’t gonna give up, I’ll keep pushing, and I’ll be triumphant.

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Secret Pains

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When you try to hold back your tears but they eventually fall, and you try to hold your breath so the pain could stop briefly… You’re hurt, but you don’t want to talk about it. You don’t even want any body to know what you are going through. You laugh with so much power , but deep inside you are too lonely, you are breaking down.

When you are trying to think about the beautiful memories and suddenly you feel suffocated and you can’t breathe like you are under water… The more you think positive, the more you feel bad about your status. You become so confused, you are torn between holding on and letting go. You deny that you have been expecting and you are trying to feel content but can not win the battle. You are, in any other angle, on the losing end.

When you are feeling weak and you can not put your head up because you pity yourself because you have given more than enough and you are left with shattered feelings… This, thus becomes your turning point to dust yourself off and wipe the tears that never seem to end, but then you realize your courage is not enough to let you stand tall, again.

 

 

 

 

To the one who’s been left out

Dear Girlfriend,

There will always be someone better than you: more beautiful, more talented, more diligent, more popular, more amiable, more acceptable, more pleasant, more intelligent, more witty, funnier, sexier, hotter, and way more and beyond. But this isn’t enough reason to make you miserable. Remember that in other people’s judgement, you are the standard, if not the best, the ideal. You don’t have to dwell into making yourself feel important and loved by someone who sees another person the way you want to be seen. You’ve got your own style, personality, and characteristic that only you can pull off. Nobody can ever be like you and you can never be somebody else.

It hurts when you are trying to maintain the interest of your boyfriend but he keeps on looking for other things about you that are evident in other girls. He’s trying to make you someone else that he likes to be with. Be it your hairstyle, the color of your nails, your fashion sense, your perfume, your manner of speaking and reacting, and even your choices. He is trying to make you the complete version of his fantasies and requirements of a girlfriend. This is shitty. How dare you if you submit to this kind of relationship. You are not a doll, girlfriend.

Has he not managed to look proud and speak proud of you in front of other people especially his friends? Has he not tried to invite you over with his close buddies while the others bring their partners automatically, like they are part of their own bodies? Has he brought you once and the other guys seem not to have heard you even once and the other girls react like, “hey, where have you been all this time?” after they’ve known that you and your good boyfriend has been together for a couple of years already or more? Start thinking, especially when he seemed more into another girl in the group than you are. This is not jealousy, this is just but a logical way of managing your emotions and thinking straight ahead. Don’t be too nice not too submissive, this is not a passport to forever.

Has he not shown any interest in introducing you to his parents and other family members? Do you feel like you’re the only one who’s trying to work on a brilliant way to meet them and he looks annoyed if you’re starting to mention something like going out with his folks or at least joining them some time? Do not push yourself too much to the point of losing your value as a person. You are not a beggar, so you should keep your importance and should not go beyond what is being given to you. You are special and if your boyfriend doesn’t seem to care about these ideas, do not even insist.

If you are that important and loved, your boyfriend wouldn’t even think twice of doing everything for you and showing how you are wanted in his life. He might be very excited to be with you and go through an adventurous journey with you, but he might not be completely ready to let you into his world. In this case, think about your situation and the other opportunities that await. Do not spend your time waiting for the better treatment because it won’t come considering that you are not his priority and he’s not looking forward to his better life with you. Move forward, stronger and wiser. You gain more than you lose.

Don’t judge, just read 2

When you love someone, just let love do its thing. Don’t hesitate, don’t hold back. Time betrays, time snatches, so use your time giving the best kind of love you want and can give so in the end, regrets won’t come bugging you like crazy insects cutting through your skin and leaving ugly marks. Be kind, though, to yourself, not giving everything up and losing yourself and your mind. There still needs to be a certain kind of balance that has to be achieved even during the peak of the momentous love you’ve chosen to be in. Love hurts even while you’re loving, it’s not all pleasant just so you know.

Sacrifices must come in, just in time when the difficulty of consistency comes up, compromises at times, and silences during sorrow. All of the bliss partnered with the unpleasantries form that kind of a beautiful and unique stitch of story of which not everyone has the capacity to manage, creates more love than you can imagine, but you have to endure it. Love slows down at the right time and all what’s needed to be done has to be done before it dies. Yes, love dies, but the memories that have been banked lives on and so love can be relived and revived depending on what has been invested and created. Be receptive and appreciative so love wouldn’t be selfish.

Love when you must and when you can so in the end you don’t have to hold on to what has not been yours because you’ve not owned it in the first place and you have not been given the confirmation that it’s yours. Just like any other, do not leave for tomorrow what you can do today because every sunrise is a different sunrise, nothing stays the same, and it means dealing with a different situation the next day. Choose wisely and love unconditionally. Loving wouldn’t be wrong as long as you maintain, remain and regain harmony with yourself and nature.

Everyone has experienced that one love that is unprecedented. Love must continue to grow and so everyone should also give back that kind of love. Unfortunately, not all gives back unconditionally, most qualify love based on needs. These needs are most of the time selfish if not illogical and insensitive, so don’t get victimized by the wrong person and the wrong love at the wrong time. Love confuses and complicates, but it really does wonders. Time and love are bestfriends, you just have to have that perfect timing and a clear mind so everything gets set and be unfolded. Wait then give it a shot when the timing is right. Pray for it and you’re all good.

-mcncg

 

 

Just read, don’t judge 1

Kung saan ako magsisimula, hindi ko alam. Kung paano, hindi ko rin sigurado, pero ang alam ko lang ngayon, mahirap ang pinagdadaanan ko.

Umalis ka para magtrabaho sa ibang bansa at kailangan kong tanggapin at intindihin iyon. Pilit kong iniintindi. Ang gusto ko lang, maging matagumpay ka, at masaya dahil matutupad mo ang pangarap mo para sa sarili mo at sa pamilya mo. Tatanggapin ko ang pagsubok na ito. Ngunit sa tatlong araw mong paglayo, parang hindi ko kayang panindigan ang desisyon sa pakikiisa sa pagsasakripisyo mo sapagkat ang hirap maghintay. Ayokong maghintay ng walang kasiguraduhan-ito ang gusto kong sabihin sa’yo pero hindi ko kayang sabihin noong nalaman ko na tuloy na ang iyong paglisan. Pilit kong tinatapangan ang sarili ko. Sa bawat araw na gigising ako, sa bawat gabi na matutulog ako, ikaw ang laman ng isip ko – kung babalik ka ba, kailan? Kung babalikan mo pa ba ako o titigilan ko na ang pag -asang mapapanatili mo ba ang pagmamahal mo sa akin. Baka nga sa huli nalang. Simulan ko na nga kayang pag-aralan na isantabi ang aking nararamdamang pagmamahal sa iyo. Takot ako noon na maramadaman ang pagmamahal mo dahil sa pagdating ng araw na ito o ano mang araw na tulad nito na kailangan mong lumayo o mawala sa piling ko. Pero ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko, ito na ang tunay na nangyayari ngayon.

Magkaiba halos ang oras natin. Madilim na dito, habang kalagitnaan naman ng sikat ng araw diyan. Sana hindi naman maging katulad ng oras diyan ang nararamdaman natin sa isa’t isa. Sa munting paraan ng teknolohiya ako umaasa ngayon, para marinig ang boses mo, makausap ka, maramdaman ka, at makumusta. Simpleng bagay lang, makatanggap lang ako ng sagot mula sa iyo sa bawat araw, ayos na ako. Pero ang hiling ko kaakibat ng bawat sagot mo ay ang damdamin na sana ay may galak at pananabik na makausapdin ako. Sa pagkawala ng damdamin, unti – unti din akong nawawalan ng pag asa na isang araw, babalik ka at mayayakap kitang muli. Sa pakiramdam ko ngayon, sa talong araw na tayo’y magkalayo, mauubos na agad ang araw na ibinangko ko upang lumakas ang aking loob. Mauubos agad kapag nagpatuloy ang ganito. Huwag mong hayaan, ako’y nakikiusap. Ako naman din ay umaasa lang sa iyo.

Look Who’s Scribbling

Gosh it feels so good!!! I have been caressing these letters for over a month but I haven’t pressed on it. It is just like looking at a mouth watering dish which I can’t even taste.

For the longest time I wanted to write something. No, I wanted to write everything that pops out of my brain. I have a lot to share about school, work, friends (new and old), life (it’s new meaning and how I want to attack it now), some curios- stricken events and moments that just happened and in no particular reason came sucking all my time. Yes, I am lazy that’s why I wasn’t able to write. Good news is… Here. I. am. and. I. am. back. alive!

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Cheers to the happier and bolder me!

Let me start with the joy of being withdrawn from the happy company of my friends, close and not so. I don’t know exactly when this feeling began, but I suddenly felt happier being “alone.” That means I feel happier when I’m not in contact with anybody most of the time. Sorry not sorry. At a certain point in my life, I felt that I needed to attend to myself and make myself happier, not by making others happy because of my presence (ehem… if I’m not being boastful here) but by making myself happy by simply being me and doing what I want to do. Not that I’m saying that I’m not being myself when with my friends, but it is more of not being cautious of others’ happiness which most likely sacrifices my own.

I grew older, that’s the other thing. I wanted something different. I wanted to do things differently. I started to think of my responsibilities and obligations, making me wonder how in the world was I able to live almost 30 years of my life not taking seriously whatever come my way. Don’t get me  wrong. What I mean is that, there were things in the past that I actually do without even trying to anticipate the effect, if this is what they say, “Come what may” and “Easy go lucky”, then I must agree.

I am a happy person but being happy doesn’t mean that I am free of problems and struggles in life. All the while I was projecting that “cheerful” kid, and I’m tired of that. I wanted to be a wise and elegant lady with the street smart quality of a bitch. i just don’t want to become a cheerful person. I want to be bolder and be kinder to myself rather than considering others first. I have lost time to myself and I’ll be retrieving it. I will not let other people’s comments and issues trouble me, instead I’d filter what is more important and that is loving myself first before others. That is what I want and I’ll fulfill it. This is going to be who I am.

Food

Food is an important part of Filipino culture, so much so that it is customary to greet someone with “have you eaten yet?” instead of “how are you?” Eating and eating out are favorite Filipino pastimes. A typical Filipino diet may consist of up to six meals a day: breakfast, snacks, lunch, merienda (afternoon snack), dinner, and snacks before bed. And central to every Filipino gathering is a bountiful selection of food. Food becomes an expression of hospitality and friendship — so the more food available, the more “love” is expressed.

Welcome

I have friends and friends of friends who are under attack. They are currently battling with the most dangerous foe called “self.” I am pretty sure I have been in the same situation before, and in as much as I would want to, I would like to kill the “self” so I can just live happily without worrying, fearing, or extremely becoming apathetic. It is just so unfortunate that this desire to end the struggle between reality and inner reality isn’t materializing anytime soon. There are a lot of other annoying dominoes that does not only inflict fall but also magically, in a very surprising manner multiplies irritability. This is why instead of conquering the weird feeling of being directionless, the more everything becomes complicated.

Depression is not an issue for now but in the long run, it might be. I can only pass through this road once, I can turn back but I’d lose more. I can not cross the same river twice and so I’m taking my time to feel every step and create the clear picture of what I am journeying through so that when I wake up tomorrow, I can lead myself to the sweet victory of conquering the “self” and its unknown allies.