Just read, don’t judge 1

Kung saan ako magsisimula, hindi ko alam. Kung paano, hindi ko rin sigurado, pero ang alam ko lang ngayon, mahirap ang pinagdadaanan ko.

Umalis ka para magtrabaho sa ibang bansa at kailangan kong tanggapin at intindihin iyon. Pilit kong iniintindi. Ang gusto ko lang, maging matagumpay ka, at masaya dahil matutupad mo ang pangarap mo para sa sarili mo at sa pamilya mo. Tatanggapin ko ang pagsubok na ito. Ngunit sa tatlong araw mong paglayo, parang hindi ko kayang panindigan ang desisyon sa pakikiisa sa pagsasakripisyo mo sapagkat ang hirap maghintay. Ayokong maghintay ng walang kasiguraduhan-ito ang gusto kong sabihin sa’yo pero hindi ko kayang sabihin noong nalaman ko na tuloy na ang iyong paglisan. Pilit kong tinatapangan ang sarili ko. Sa bawat araw na gigising ako, sa bawat gabi na matutulog ako, ikaw ang laman ng isip ko – kung babalik ka ba, kailan? Kung babalikan mo pa ba ako o titigilan ko na ang pag -asang mapapanatili mo ba ang pagmamahal mo sa akin. Baka nga sa huli nalang. Simulan ko na nga kayang pag-aralan na isantabi ang aking nararamdamang pagmamahal sa iyo. Takot ako noon na maramadaman ang pagmamahal mo dahil sa pagdating ng araw na ito o ano mang araw na tulad nito na kailangan mong lumayo o mawala sa piling ko. Pero ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko, ito na ang tunay na nangyayari ngayon.

Magkaiba halos ang oras natin. Madilim na dito, habang kalagitnaan naman ng sikat ng araw diyan. Sana hindi naman maging katulad ng oras diyan ang nararamdaman natin sa isa’t isa. Sa munting paraan ng teknolohiya ako umaasa ngayon, para marinig ang boses mo, makausap ka, maramdaman ka, at makumusta. Simpleng bagay lang, makatanggap lang ako ng sagot mula sa iyo sa bawat araw, ayos na ako. Pero ang hiling ko kaakibat ng bawat sagot mo ay ang damdamin na sana ay may galak at pananabik na makausapdin ako. Sa pagkawala ng damdamin, unti – unti din akong nawawalan ng pag asa na isang araw, babalik ka at mayayakap kitang muli. Sa pakiramdam ko ngayon, sa talong araw na tayo’y magkalayo, mauubos na agad ang araw na ibinangko ko upang lumakas ang aking loob. Mauubos agad kapag nagpatuloy ang ganito. Huwag mong hayaan, ako’y nakikiusap. Ako naman din ay umaasa lang sa iyo.

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Look Who’s Scribbling

Gosh it feels so good!!! I have been caressing these letters for over a month but I haven’t pressed on it. It is just like looking at a mouth watering dish which I can’t even taste.

For the longest time I wanted to write something. No, I wanted to write everything that pops out of my brain. I have a lot to share about school, work, friends (new and old), life (it’s new meaning and how I want to attack it now), some curios- stricken events and moments that just happened and in no particular reason came sucking all my time. Yes, I am lazy that’s why I wasn’t able to write. Good news is… Here. I. am. and. I. am. back. alive!

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Cheers to the happier and bolder me!

Let me start with the joy of being withdrawn from the happy company of my friends, close and not so. I don’t know exactly when this feeling began, but I suddenly felt happier being “alone.” That means I feel happier when I’m not in contact with anybody most of the time. Sorry not sorry. At a certain point in my life, I felt that I needed to attend to myself and make myself happier, not by making others happy because of my presence (ehem… if I’m not being boastful here) but by making myself happy by simply being me and doing what I want to do. Not that I’m saying that I’m not being myself when with my friends, but it is more of not being cautious of others’ happiness which most likely sacrifices my own.

I grew older, that’s the other thing. I wanted something different. I wanted to do things differently. I started to think of my responsibilities and obligations, making me wonder how in the world was I able to live almost 30 years of my life not taking seriously whatever come my way. Don’t get meĀ  wrong. What I mean is that, there were things in the past that I actually do without even trying to anticipate the effect, if this is what they say, “Come what may” and “Easy go lucky”, then I must agree.

I am a happy person but being happy doesn’t mean that I am free of problems and struggles in life. All the while I was projecting that “cheerful” kid, and I’m tired of that. I wanted to be a wise and elegant lady with the street smart quality of a bitch. i just don’t want to become a cheerful person. I want to be bolder and be kinder to myself rather than considering others first. I have lost time to myself and I’ll be retrieving it. I will not let other people’s comments and issues trouble me, instead I’d filter what is more important and that is loving myself first before others. That is what I want and I’ll fulfill it. This is going to be who I am.