Pangako

Bakit gusto ko pa rin tuparin ang pangako ko sa’yo kahit na bumitaw ka na sa mga pangako mo sa akin?

Bakit nahihirapan akong kalimutan ka kahit alam ko na hindi mo naman ako naaalala pa?

Bakit kailangan kong patuloy na masaktan kahit na naihanda ko na ang sarili ko sa pagkakataong iiwan mo ako?

Hindi ba puwedeng umalis ka na, umalis ng tuluyan sa isip at puso ko dahil hindi ka naman mananatili sa buhay ko.

Hindi pa ba sapat ang sakit na naidulot mo at patuloy na naidudulot ng iniwan mong mga alala?

Lumisan ka, lubusin mo na.

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Wag Na Ako

Bakit hindi ka nalang tuluyang mawala?

Kung kailan handa na kong kalimutan ,
Tsaka ka naman nagparamdam

Ano pa bang gusto mo?
Nakuha mo ang lahat
Pati ang durugin ang puso ko

Tumigil ka na
Ayoko ng masaktan pa
Iba nalang ang saktan mo
Wag na ako

Hindi ko na kakayanin pa
Kapag naulit pa ang lahat

Sa iba nalang
Parang awa mo na.

Wag na ako. Wag na sa akin
Dahil hindi ko na kakayanin pang muli
Ang mahalin ka tulad ng dati,
At umasang tunay mong mamahalin

Moving on 101 Day 1

Pagkalipas ng ilang buwan, sa wakas kinaya ko ng tingnan ang lugar kung saan tayo unang nagtagpo hindi bilang magkatrabaho pero bilang “magkaibigan.” Ilang beses kong iniwas-iwasan na mapadaan sa dako doon. May mga pagkakataong nagtatagumpay ako, may mga araw namang hindi. Masakit pa rin sa akin ang nangyari sa ating dalawa kahit sa palagay ko, ako din naman ang nagtulak sa atin sa ganitong sitwasyon. Kaya naman kanina, tiningnan ko ng mabuti ang lugar na iyon sa pag-asang baka makita kita. Parang nakisama naman ang oras. Hindi ito huminto, pero parang bumagal noong nasa harap na ko ng lugar na iyon. Kinakabahan ako na parang kinukurot ang puso, pigil din ang paghinga ko ng ilang sandali. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit parang umasa ako na mikikita kita, hinanap ko pa nga ang sasakyan mo, pero wala, wala ka doon. Mabuti na rin siguro na hindi kita nakita. Baka naman din  hindi pa iyon ang tamang panahon para masilayan kang muli. Baka dapat akong magpasalamat na hindi kita nakita. Baka hindi pa talaga ako handang makita ka. Baka nasa unang yugto palang ako ng paghilom sa puso kong sagad ang sugat dahil sa nabigong pangarap sa pag – ibig mo.

 

Naisip ko bigla kanina na kumuha ng larawan ng lahat ng lugar na pinuntahan natin baka sakaling sa pag-alala ng lahat ng iyon, tuluyan na akong maka move – on. Masakit para sa akin na alalahanin ang lahat ng nangyari, pero baka naman sa sakit ng pag alala na mga iyon, kapag unit-unti at isa-isa ko silang binalikan, mabuo ko ulit ang sarili ko. Baka doon ko ulit mapulot ang bawat bahagi ng puso kong ipinagkatiwala ko sayo ng walang pag -aalinlangan. Baka kailangan kong gawin yun para sa sarili ko, para tumapang ako at maharap ko ng mas maayos ang panibagong araw na wala ka sa piling ko at mahimasmasan na ko na hindi ka na babalik kahit kailan sa buhay ko.

 

Ilang buwan na ang lumipas pero yung sakit na nararamdaman ko sa paglisan mo, parang bagong sugat na napawisan – hayop sa hapdi! Kaya naman kanina, nang kinaya ko ng tingnan ang lugar kung saan tayo unang nagtagpo bilang “magkaibigan”, naging proud ako sa sarili ko. Naramdaman ko na may natitira pa akong tapang para mag – move on.

“Na-ano” Ko Lang

You are not in the position to say if the secretary has not been offended or not, because you are not her and will never be like her. You are not worthy of the right to say that “there should be no fuss about it,” because you were the one who started it and you can’t just stop it. You know that you have daughters who are solo parents and are separated, but still you were able to pull – off that “just on the lighter side” interjection and that misplaced noon-time show kind of “street language” as a comment. I’m wondering if you have referred to them as “na –ano lang” type of women when they’ve decided to concentrate all their courage to raise their children and family without a spouse simply because they felt seemingly intoxicated in their own relationships.

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What you did was obviously contradictory to your mother’s advocacy to protect and respect women – better if you have not mentioned anything about it. You are a senator but you acted as a noon – time entertainment show host, and you were not even entertaining. It was a thoughtless and impertinent remark to all women who dauntlessly  and relentlessly embraced all the challenges that came in their way just to provide a decent life for their children. Women who are “na –ano lang” are struggling every single day to be all at the same time a mother and father, an extensively more capable sibling, and a caring daughter to her aged and sickly parents. Yesterday was no different. From hand to mouth, these “na – ano lang” women tirelessly make a living while you sat there comfortably in the senate board room and insulted a representative of these incomparably hardworking and thinking “na -ano lang” sector who know their purpose and execute their extraordinary life duties with iron balls.

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No, you are not the last person to disrespect a woman because you have already done it several times and again. People have been watching you. Documents have been written. You do not have any right to insult and make fun of any body especially those of whose life you know nothing about.

-mcncg

cnnphilippines.com/news/…/Tito-Sotto-Judy-Taguiwalo-DSWD-single-parents.html

For Whatever It’s Worth

For whatever it’s worth, I’d like to let you know how much you mean to me. IT has been a beautiful journey with you, no matter how short it was. I am truly grateful for having you in my life and I know I’d never find another one exactly as you. You are so special. I have never met a man so complete as you. I wanted to be with you to love you and take care of you for the rest of my life, but it wasn’t for us. All I can give you are my intangible treasures while you can actually have whatever it is that you desire. I felt that you didn’t need me, nor did you want to let me stay in your life. Nevertheless, I have given you the best that I can and all that I can offer. I may not be rich to provide you material happiness, but I feel that I have given you more of myself and that of my family. I have shared with you the mystery of my being -that deepest part of myself that no one has gone to, but then again, I felt that it wasn’t enough and it wasn’t what you need.

So I am writing this now, to let go of my hopes and my fears. We might be better off without each other. I pray for your happiness and your success in everything you do. I’d be working on myself too. Thank you for making me realise how important is self – worth and how the material things compensate for the missing areas of someone’s real achievement and triumph in life. I am most grateful for  having experienced the best relationship feeling and the greatest heartbreak that someone can cause me. Amidst this, remember that I have loved you ever since and I will continue doing so until my heart beats.

31 – Day Challenge: First Task

I’m trying to find a way to ease my pain. My mind is playing around with me and I suddenly remembered that movie entitled: Fireproof, wherein the couple Caleb and Catherine, is about to get a divorce but Caleb’s father, John, handed him over a notebook. The notebook presents a 40 – day challenge (The Love Dare) to woo and please his wife. John wanted Caleb to do all of the things listed before he pushes through with the divorce.

It occurred that everyday, Caleb did as it is written in the notebook but his wife, Catherine, refused to accept and pay attention to all his efforts. Caleb asked John how could he expect to love someone who constantly rejects him. John finally imparts his wisdom about God’s love to us as we constantly reject Him.

Caleb and Catherine eventually revived the love they had for each other. Then in the end, when Caleb thanked John for the notebook, John confessed that it wasn’t he who wrote the content but his mother. They too were about to fall apart but his mother showed her love to his father every single day until he revived the old feeling he had with her.

Why am I saying this? I am planning to do my 31 – day challenge instead of 40 because I am turning 31 in 31 days and I need to restructure the path that I am going to be journeying through for the rest of my life. Part of it is my relationship with my boyfriend.

We started very enthusiastically. We even started to get into some of the details of getting married. We shared almost every night looking at the stars and counting the planes while talking about our life together, but it isn’t the same now. For some reason, I felt like we were again strangers who just met and is just starting to get acquainted with each other. There came quarrels and cold days and nights.There were arguments from nowhere and silent treatments all the way. I didn’t see that coming.

And so my path to brokenness started and I am trying to unlearn the things that I’ve tried to  slowly inject into my system when we were starting a seemingly ideal life together. It is very difficult for a woman to believe a man who suddenly comes to life and creates the world that you’ve been secretly dreaming of, but it is more difficult and painful to let go of the hope that this world that represents your weakness is yet to become real. It is not easy for a broken woman to entrust her heart again, but I did and I’m not giving up until my last page of the 31 day challenge. This is not to regain my boyfriend wholly but to make sure I wouldn’t regret anything when I start moving on in case he doesn’t really wanted to push through with his life plans with me.

My 31st Day Task:

I took a picture of us together, which I/we haven’t done for quite some time now and I am using it as my cellphone’s wall paper. I am also about to change all of my social media accounts with the same picture. I shall be taking a lot of pictures of us together until the last day of our 31- day challenge.

I hate taking pictures really because I feel that my heart is being slowly lacerated everytime I remember the time I took it and everytime I look at it. I despise memories of my brokenness, but I’d do this because I love him still.

Dream Dates

Ayoko na magsinungaling sa sarili ko. Matanda na ko. Ayoko ng paniwalain ang sarili ko na okay ako at kuntento ako kahit na alam kong hindi. Gusto ko maging masaya at gusto kong matupad ang mga pangarap ko bilang babae. Kaya kahit ako nalang sa sarili ko, tutuparin ko ang mga sumusunod:
1. Gusto ko ma experience ang dinner date sa yate :”> (di ko kailangan isurprise ang sarili ko, ako naman magbubook nito eh. Pwede na rin walang flowers, pandagdag kilig yun pero mukhang tanga naman ako pag binilhan ko yung sarili ko non.)

2. Mag ha-hike ako. Makikijoin nalang ako sa ibang groups. At least kung may magrereklamo man, ako lang. Makakasigaw pa ko sa peak ng hindi nahihiya.

3. Magbi beach ako. Isasakto ko sa full moon. Ayos na kung walang romantic kiss under the moonlight and by the shore. Ganon talaga. You can’t have it all. At least I have the stars and the sky. Derecho star gazing na.

4. Mag roroad trip din ako pa – antipolo siguro or pa zambales. Rent nalang ng kotse para di hassle. Pero dapat pick up na may sound system at para pag bumyahe bukas lang yung window. Magbabaon ako ng madaming beer at iba ibang food. Magdadala din ako ng mat at unan just in case. Magsastart ako mag drive ng umaga then pag palubog na yung araw, dapat nasa mataas na lugar na ko or anywhere na kita ang sunset. Ilalabas ko yung mga baon ko then panonoorin ko ang sunset at derecho stargaze na hanggang sa lumamig. Uuwi ako ng bukas ulit ang mga bintana at may nagwawalang bass.

5. Syempre tetestingin ko din ang fine dining. Yung naka formal wear or kahit coctail dress at may 6 course dinner. May wine din dapat. Sana may set up ng tulad sa pinuntahan nung mga bida sa fault in our stars. Yung may mga seemingly short trees sa loob tapos puno ng christmas lights :”>

6. Subukan ko din mag date ng sarili ko sa may piano or violin sa may rooftop na venue or overlooking :”> (haaaayy.. Sweet. Sweet ko sa sarili ko.) I’ll make sure din that I’ve bought myself a pair of earrings or necklace or ring as a present. (Ayan, bongga na. Feel na feel ang romanticism. Dapat tipong February or December dapat para may extra fund hahahha.)

7. I’ll get into the process of buying my own unit, regardless if meron na kong napundar for my family. Tapos aayusin ko ito as a gift for myself and I’d enjoy upgrading the unit. Then pag naayos ko na, ipagluluto ko ang sarili ko and magpiprepare ako ng candle-lit dinner for myself. Then popcorn-movie marathon next day. Pahinga lang. Literal na me time- bonding time.

8. Mag i-early morning jogging ako sa park. Kakain ako ng taho pagtapos, fishballs na din tapos uupo sa damuhan hanggang sa maramdaman ko na pwede na ko umuwi.

9. Mag chicheck in ako sa hotel kung saan kita ang sunrise. Gigising ako bago pumutok ang araw at papanoorin kong umakyat ang araw hanggang sa masilaw ang mga mata ko. Mananatili ako sa higaan ko ng nakabalot sa kumot habang pinapanood ang araw.

10. Ibibili ko ang sarili ko ng isang malaking teddy bear sa carnival o kung saan man at yayakapin ko ito ng mahigpit.

Ang sarap isipin na magagawa ko ang mga nakalista dito ng hindi umaasa sa iba at mabigo ng iba. Kung sakaling may tutupad nito, sasaya talaga ako. Pero kung wala naman, at least I have myself. Kaya ko pa naman tuparin ang mga ito ng wala pa gaanong balakid. Patnubayan nawa ako.

Secret Pains

1

When you try to hold back your tears but they eventually fall, and you try to hold your breath so the pain could stop briefly… You’re hurt, but you don’t want to talk about it. You don’t even want any body to know what you are going through. You laugh with so much power , but deep inside you are too lonely, you are breaking down.

When you are trying to think about the beautiful memories and suddenly you feel suffocated and you can’t breathe like you are under water… The more you think positive, the more you feel bad about your status. You become so confused, you are torn between holding on and letting go. You deny that you have been expecting and you are trying to feel content but can not win the battle. You are, in any other angle, on the losing end.

When you are feeling weak and you can not put your head up because you pity yourself because you have given more than enough and you are left with shattered feelings… This, thus becomes your turning point to dust yourself off and wipe the tears that never seem to end, but then you realize your courage is not enough to let you stand tall, again.

 

 

 

 

Don’t judge, just read 2

When you love someone, just let love do its thing. Don’t hesitate, don’t hold back. Time betrays, time snatches, so use your time giving the best kind of love you want and can give so in the end, regrets won’t come bugging you like crazy insects cutting through your skin and leaving ugly marks. Be kind, though, to yourself, not giving everything up and losing yourself and your mind. There still needs to be a certain kind of balance that has to be achieved even during the peak of the momentous love you’ve chosen to be in. Love hurts even while you’re loving, it’s not all pleasant just so you know.

Sacrifices must come in, just in time when the difficulty of consistency comes up, compromises at times, and silences during sorrow. All of the bliss partnered with the unpleasantries form that kind of a beautiful and unique stitch of story of which not everyone has the capacity to manage, creates more love than you can imagine, but you have to endure it. Love slows down at the right time and all what’s needed to be done has to be done before it dies. Yes, love dies, but the memories that have been banked lives on and so love can be relived and revived depending on what has been invested and created. Be receptive and appreciative so love wouldn’t be selfish.

Love when you must and when you can so in the end you don’t have to hold on to what has not been yours because you’ve not owned it in the first place and you have not been given the confirmation that it’s yours. Just like any other, do not leave for tomorrow what you can do today because every sunrise is a different sunrise, nothing stays the same, and it means dealing with a different situation the next day. Choose wisely and love unconditionally. Loving wouldn’t be wrong as long as you maintain, remain and regain harmony with yourself and nature.

Everyone has experienced that one love that is unprecedented. Love must continue to grow and so everyone should also give back that kind of love. Unfortunately, not all gives back unconditionally, most qualify love based on needs. These needs are most of the time selfish if not illogical and insensitive, so don’t get victimized by the wrong person and the wrong love at the wrong time. Love confuses and complicates, but it really does wonders. Time and love are bestfriends, you just have to have that perfect timing and a clear mind so everything gets set and be unfolded. Wait then give it a shot when the timing is right. Pray for it and you’re all good.

-mcncg