31 – Day Challenge: First Task

I’m trying to find a way to ease my pain. My mind is playing around with me and I suddenly remembered that movie entitled: Fireproof, wherein the couple Caleb and Catherine, is about to get a divorce but Caleb’s father, John, handed him over a notebook. The notebook presents a 40 – day challenge (The Love Dare) to woo and please his wife. John wanted Caleb to do all of the things listed before he pushes through with the divorce.

It occurred that everyday, Caleb did as it is written in the notebook but his wife, Catherine, refused to accept and pay attention to all his efforts. Caleb asked John how could he expect to love someone who constantly rejects him. John finally imparts his wisdom about God’s love to us as we constantly reject Him.

Caleb and Catherine eventually revived the love they had for each other. Then in the end, when Caleb thanked John for the notebook, John confessed that it wasn’t he who wrote the content but his mother. They too were about to fall apart but his mother showed her love to his father every single day until he revived the old feeling he had with her.

Why am I saying this? I am planning to do my 31 – day challenge instead of 40 because I am turning 31 in 31 days and I need to restructure the path that I am going to be journeying through for the rest of my life. Part of it is my relationship with my boyfriend.

We started very enthusiastically. We even started to get into some of the details of getting married. We shared almost every night looking at the stars and counting the planes while talking about our life together, but it isn’t the same now. For some reason, I felt like we were again strangers who just met and is just starting to get acquainted with each other. There came quarrels and cold days and nights.There were arguments from nowhere and silent treatments all the way. I didn’t see that coming.

And so my path to brokenness started and I am trying to unlearn the things that I’ve tried to  slowly inject into my system when we were starting a seemingly ideal life together. It is very difficult for a woman to believe a man who suddenly comes to life and creates the world that you’ve been secretly dreaming of, but it is more difficult and painful to let go of the hope that this world that represents your weakness is yet to become real. It is not easy for a broken woman to entrust her heart again, but I did and I’m not giving up until my last page of the 31 day challenge. This is not to regain my boyfriend wholly but to make sure I wouldn’t regret anything when I start moving on in case he doesn’t really wanted to push through with his life plans with me.

My 31st Day Task:

I took a picture of us together, which I/we haven’t done for quite some time now and I am using it as my cellphone’s wall paper. I am also about to change all of my social media accounts with the same picture. I shall be taking a lot of pictures of us together until the last day of our 31- day challenge.

I hate taking pictures really because I feel that my heart is being slowly lacerated everytime I remember the time I took it and everytime I look at it. I despise memories of my brokenness, but I’d do this because I love him still.

Dream Dates

Ayoko na magsinungaling sa sarili ko. Matanda na ko. Ayoko ng paniwalain ang sarili ko na okay ako at kuntento ako kahit na alam kong hindi. Gusto ko maging masaya at gusto kong matupad ang mga pangarap ko bilang babae. Kaya kahit ako nalang sa sarili ko, tutuparin ko ang mga sumusunod:
1. Gusto ko ma experience ang dinner date sa yate :”> (di ko kailangan isurprise ang sarili ko, ako naman magbubook nito eh. Pwede na rin walang flowers, pandagdag kilig yun pero mukhang tanga naman ako pag binilhan ko yung sarili ko non.)

2. Mag ha-hike ako. Makikijoin nalang ako sa ibang groups. At least kung may magrereklamo man, ako lang. Makakasigaw pa ko sa peak ng hindi nahihiya.

3. Magbi beach ako. Isasakto ko sa full moon. Ayos na kung walang romantic kiss under the moonlight and by the shore. Ganon talaga. You can’t have it all. At least I have the stars and the sky. Derecho star gazing na.

4. Mag roroad trip din ako pa – antipolo siguro or pa zambales. Rent nalang ng kotse para di hassle. Pero dapat pick up na may sound system at para pag bumyahe bukas lang yung window. Magbabaon ako ng madaming beer at iba ibang food. Magdadala din ako ng mat at unan just in case. Magsastart ako mag drive ng umaga then pag palubog na yung araw, dapat nasa mataas na lugar na ko or anywhere na kita ang sunset. Ilalabas ko yung mga baon ko then panonoorin ko ang sunset at derecho stargaze na hanggang sa lumamig. Uuwi ako ng bukas ulit ang mga bintana at may nagwawalang bass.

5. Syempre tetestingin ko din ang fine dining. Yung naka formal wear or kahit coctail dress at may 6 course dinner. May wine din dapat. Sana may set up ng tulad sa pinuntahan nung mga bida sa fault in our stars. Yung may mga seemingly short trees sa loob tapos puno ng christmas lights :”>

6. Subukan ko din mag date ng sarili ko sa may piano or violin sa may rooftop na venue or overlooking :”> (haaaayy.. Sweet. Sweet ko sa sarili ko.) I’ll make sure din that I’ve bought myself a pair of earrings or necklace or ring as a present. (Ayan, bongga na. Feel na feel ang romanticism. Dapat tipong February or December dapat para may extra fund hahahha.)

7. I’ll get into the process of buying my own unit, regardless if meron na kong napundar for my family. Tapos aayusin ko ito as a gift for myself and I’d enjoy upgrading the unit. Then pag naayos ko na, ipagluluto ko ang sarili ko and magpiprepare ako ng candle-lit dinner for myself. Then popcorn-movie marathon next day. Pahinga lang. Literal na me time- bonding time.

8. Mag i-early morning jogging ako sa park. Kakain ako ng taho pagtapos, fishballs na din tapos uupo sa damuhan hanggang sa maramdaman ko na pwede na ko umuwi.

9. Mag chicheck in ako sa hotel kung saan kita ang sunrise. Gigising ako bago pumutok ang araw at papanoorin kong umakyat ang araw hanggang sa masilaw ang mga mata ko. Mananatili ako sa higaan ko ng nakabalot sa kumot habang pinapanood ang araw.

10. Ibibili ko ang sarili ko ng isang malaking teddy bear sa carnival o kung saan man at yayakapin ko ito ng mahigpit.

Ang sarap isipin na magagawa ko ang mga nakalista dito ng hindi umaasa sa iba at mabigo ng iba. Kung sakaling may tutupad nito, sasaya talaga ako. Pero kung wala naman, at least I have myself. Kaya ko pa naman tuparin ang mga ito ng wala pa gaanong balakid. Patnubayan nawa ako.